17.11.02

I spoke to eleanor this morning. She was broke down as she drove through the streets. Aimless, frightened and alone, she was beyond my grasp. All I wanted to do was rock her in my arms and make her realize that she was allowed to give up, come home, seek help. Instead she pulled herself together and told me she needed to go. She did. She didnt respond to my calls later and now, I discover that she checked herself into the hospital. It just makes me feel helpless, knowing that i couldnt help her when I was there. Why didnt I recognize the signs? Why didnt I force her to come back with me? What am I supposed to do now? If I leave and go stay with her, I destablize my own fragile balance. Is that the most selfish thing or am i just being critical? I cant even trust my reactions to small things these days. How am I supposed to gadge whether my instincts are correct and whether my presense will even effect her at all. Shes my baby sister but shes everything to me. This is so scary and I just had to go through all of this with JR. Why her too. Why is it that Im always so worried about her? Does my own messed up behavior create this in her? Is it my fault as I set my own life as example? FUCk!!! FUCK THIS. I just want to scream out and yet Im afraid to because of these fucking idiots that surround me. They dont need to know. My lack of trust in them prevents me from telling them anything these days, let alone something like this. I want to call JR. i think he'd be good for me right now. Its ringing...

11.11.02

I thought that by the time I was out of college, id be so old. Why is it that I still feel like a little girl? I just want to be protected and cared for. When all of the sudden I realized that I was the only one in control of my life, I freaked. But years later, Im still accomplishing nothing. Well, not exactly true. Everytime I say things like that I end up qualifying them. But to spare you the resume, I will not report it here. Perhaps over the course of time, my background will be apparent. I dont care.
Yeah, so last night was full disclosure to Jurl about the details of how Im falling apart. Somehow knowing that he too isnt sane helps. Yet I can never be the first to tell people. And when I do its always the weak form of my issues. I go for the shock factor. For instance, telling Steve about my early flirt with suicide as we walked across Nassau Street. The proper place and time- nope. But effective. Ill never forget that though. Dodging traffic while discussing those thoughts is not the most immemorable moment.
Going nuts already in the public realm. Scary. Im talking to myself. I guess these days thats what I do. The problem with me is that Im internalizing things. Even those that i dont, I dont think I speak in full. My therapist sucks which doesnt help the situation. Without a job, I have no focus. Even when I am, its brief. My family has no idea what im up to and I lie to make my life sound more appealing. I cant stop throwing up and Im on a shit load of meds. This has been going on for 5 years. Need to progress to the next stage of my life before I have none to go to. Self pity doesnt seem to do the trick. I should try something different. I think Ill work on my subway proposal but Im sure Ill be back shortly.
This is my first time blogging. I have a feeling that this is going to be good for me. I always end up composing letters to friends, guys, family, etc that in truth shouldnt be sent. But given my need to respond emotionally to everything, it happens. Perhaps this will provide a safety net and encourage me to write more often as well.