11.11.02

I thought that by the time I was out of college, id be so old. Why is it that I still feel like a little girl? I just want to be protected and cared for. When all of the sudden I realized that I was the only one in control of my life, I freaked. But years later, Im still accomplishing nothing. Well, not exactly true. Everytime I say things like that I end up qualifying them. But to spare you the resume, I will not report it here. Perhaps over the course of time, my background will be apparent. I dont care.
Yeah, so last night was full disclosure to Jurl about the details of how Im falling apart. Somehow knowing that he too isnt sane helps. Yet I can never be the first to tell people. And when I do its always the weak form of my issues. I go for the shock factor. For instance, telling Steve about my early flirt with suicide as we walked across Nassau Street. The proper place and time- nope. But effective. Ill never forget that though. Dodging traffic while discussing those thoughts is not the most immemorable moment.
Going nuts already in the public realm. Scary. Im talking to myself. I guess these days thats what I do. The problem with me is that Im internalizing things. Even those that i dont, I dont think I speak in full. My therapist sucks which doesnt help the situation. Without a job, I have no focus. Even when I am, its brief. My family has no idea what im up to and I lie to make my life sound more appealing. I cant stop throwing up and Im on a shit load of meds. This has been going on for 5 years. Need to progress to the next stage of my life before I have none to go to. Self pity doesnt seem to do the trick. I should try something different. I think Ill work on my subway proposal but Im sure Ill be back shortly.
This is my first time blogging. I have a feeling that this is going to be good for me. I always end up composing letters to friends, guys, family, etc that in truth shouldnt be sent. But given my need to respond emotionally to everything, it happens. Perhaps this will provide a safety net and encourage me to write more often as well.