17.11.02

I spoke to eleanor this morning. She was broke down as she drove through the streets. Aimless, frightened and alone, she was beyond my grasp. All I wanted to do was rock her in my arms and make her realize that she was allowed to give up, come home, seek help. Instead she pulled herself together and told me she needed to go. She did. She didnt respond to my calls later and now, I discover that she checked herself into the hospital. It just makes me feel helpless, knowing that i couldnt help her when I was there. Why didnt I recognize the signs? Why didnt I force her to come back with me? What am I supposed to do now? If I leave and go stay with her, I destablize my own fragile balance. Is that the most selfish thing or am i just being critical? I cant even trust my reactions to small things these days. How am I supposed to gadge whether my instincts are correct and whether my presense will even effect her at all. Shes my baby sister but shes everything to me. This is so scary and I just had to go through all of this with JR. Why her too. Why is it that Im always so worried about her? Does my own messed up behavior create this in her? Is it my fault as I set my own life as example? FUCk!!! FUCK THIS. I just want to scream out and yet Im afraid to because of these fucking idiots that surround me. They dont need to know. My lack of trust in them prevents me from telling them anything these days, let alone something like this. I want to call JR. i think he'd be good for me right now. Its ringing...